CLARAFIED BUTTER

All of my son's classmates rode on a school bus everyday, except for Izzy. We live so close to school that we are able to get him there easily without the use of outside transportation. So one day, when I came to pick Izzy up from school, his best friend saw me walk in and proceeded to shout, "Izzy, your bus is here! Your bus is here!" He then grabbed my hand and brought me to Izzy saying the exact same thing at least ten more times! I died laughing each and every one of those times. The memory of this moment still makes me chuckle. Israel has always wanted to ride the bus like his classmates so this summer because of the extended school year program he was able to finally get the chance! I remember his first day waiting for the bus to arrive to the house, he was so anxious and excited, when it finally came he didn't even look back to say 'good bye' or anything! He rushed onto the bus and found his seat. I was so proud of him and nervous at the sam...

The thing about grief that I'm noticing is how whole passages of time, that I know I lived and definitely 'mothered' through have been lost. When I try to recall those first few years, I often come up blank. I feel like I have cheated my son from something my daughter got to experience fully, an attentive and fully present mama. When I think hard enough during my pregnancy with him, it was grief from beginning to the end. He has only just had his first birthday party this year. It's as if I have been going through the motions his whole life and am only just noticing important things now and he's FIVE! This grief has been tough. I was not prepared to lose time because of it! Like really, my daughter had to convince me that she has been in 4 schools. I only recalled 3 but damn if it took my husband to remind me of her first school experience, months after Ma had passed. I had completely blocked it from my memory. I was knee deep IN it then. It's just heartb...