Forgetful Dani

The thing about grief that I'm noticing is how whole passages of time, that I know I lived and definitely 'mothered' through have been lost. When I try to recall those first few years, I often come up blank. I feel like I have cheated my son from something my daughter got to experience fully, an attentive and fully present mama. When I think hard enough during my pregnancy with him, it was grief from beginning to the end. He has only just had his first birthday party this year. It's as if I have been going through the motions his whole life and am only just noticing important things now and he's FIVE!

This grief has been tough. I was not prepared to lose time because of it! Like really, my daughter had to convince me that she has been in 4 schools. I only recalled 3 but damn if it took my husband to remind me of her first school experience, months after Ma had passed. I had completely blocked it from my memory.

I was knee deep IN it then.

It's just heartbreaking on a different level now. To not recall fundamental moments in my kids' lives cuts like a knife. I was there taking care of them, but I was a shell of myself. I was in my cocoon, just focused on surviving. I know I did the best I could but it still feels like failing.

Every new day is a chance to be better.

But damn...