Daddy Issues
Picture it. 1988. Washington, D.C. Inside a cubicle, in an office building, a six year old girl is on the phone with her father. She is quiet and he is filling the silence with words that only make her feel confused. He's saying he loves her but she's never felt it.
In fact if it wasn't for her Mama calling him, so they could speak, they wouldn't be.
After the awkward conversation, the six year old asks her Mama to stop calling her father. She says to her Mama, "If he wants to talk to me, he can call me." Her Mama agrees and that essentially ends all contact between the two for decades, despite living in the same city.
This was the extent of the relationship I had with my father.
There was a family cookout, where he had to show off all his kids when I was 15, a dinner spent analyzing the Washington Wizards basketball organization and finally my wedding where he might as well had been a fly on the wall. My lack of a relationship with him is the reason the relationship both my kids have with their Dad is so important to me.
My main goal in life was always to have children with a man who wanted to be a great Dad.
I truly believe, I have figured out the difference between being a Daddy and a father. Fathers are genetic providers of offspring. Daddies take care of their offspring, are involved and dedicated to them by more than moral obligation but an internal adherence to know their children.
Having never had a Dad, being able to watch the relationship between Daddy and daughter has been a gift. I struggled with it at first. It was the way he adored her every word, that look in his eyes whenever she called him. I was in awe of their bond.
In fact the last conversation I had with my Mama was me confessing my 'jealousy' over my then, twenty-three month old daughter’s relationship with her Dad.
Like she always had, my Mama found the words to quell whatever issues I had. First, she amended what I had classified as 'jealousy' to 'envy'. I envied their bond because it's one I never had. Second, she reassured me that I was deserving of a Dad. Lastly, she apologized for her selection in him, saying he had the potential to be a great Dad, he just chose otherwise. I remember feeling angry that she felt the need to apologize for his lack of action, especially when she was the best Mama and Daddy I could ever imagine having.
I remember a phase I went through, starting when I was 15, of calling her "Papi" (meaning Daddy in Spanish). I actually asked her if I could call her that, she looked at me pitifully and obliged. For the next two years she would actually answer whenever I called for "Papi".
Payback is a ...because now my daughter is in this phase of talking about 'poop' nonstop all day everyday, so I imagine Mama laughing at me every time she mentions it!
I am blessed to have found someone special to be the kind of Dad to my children that I always wanted for myself. Watching them together, learning from his patient and understanding nature, while also marveling at the glow that still appears on his face every time his kids show him love. These things and more make me honored to bear witness to their kinship.
In fact if it wasn't for her Mama calling him, so they could speak, they wouldn't be.
After the awkward conversation, the six year old asks her Mama to stop calling her father. She says to her Mama, "If he wants to talk to me, he can call me." Her Mama agrees and that essentially ends all contact between the two for decades, despite living in the same city.
This was the extent of the relationship I had with my father.
There was a family cookout, where he had to show off all his kids when I was 15, a dinner spent analyzing the Washington Wizards basketball organization and finally my wedding where he might as well had been a fly on the wall. My lack of a relationship with him is the reason the relationship both my kids have with their Dad is so important to me.
My main goal in life was always to have children with a man who wanted to be a great Dad.
I truly believe, I have figured out the difference between being a Daddy and a father. Fathers are genetic providers of offspring. Daddies take care of their offspring, are involved and dedicated to them by more than moral obligation but an internal adherence to know their children.
Having never had a Dad, being able to watch the relationship between Daddy and daughter has been a gift. I struggled with it at first. It was the way he adored her every word, that look in his eyes whenever she called him. I was in awe of their bond.
In fact the last conversation I had with my Mama was me confessing my 'jealousy' over my then, twenty-three month old daughter’s relationship with her Dad.
Like she always had, my Mama found the words to quell whatever issues I had. First, she amended what I had classified as 'jealousy' to 'envy'. I envied their bond because it's one I never had. Second, she reassured me that I was deserving of a Dad. Lastly, she apologized for her selection in him, saying he had the potential to be a great Dad, he just chose otherwise. I remember feeling angry that she felt the need to apologize for his lack of action, especially when she was the best Mama and Daddy I could ever imagine having.
I remember a phase I went through, starting when I was 15, of calling her "Papi" (meaning Daddy in Spanish). I actually asked her if I could call her that, she looked at me pitifully and obliged. For the next two years she would actually answer whenever I called for "Papi".
Payback is a ...because now my daughter is in this phase of talking about 'poop' nonstop all day everyday, so I imagine Mama laughing at me every time she mentions it!
I am blessed to have found someone special to be the kind of Dad to my children that I always wanted for myself. Watching them together, learning from his patient and understanding nature, while also marveling at the glow that still appears on his face every time his kids show him love. These things and more make me honored to bear witness to their kinship.
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