Visceral Cellular Loss

You know how when you read or hear something and you FEEL IT.
You find a kind of contentment that you didn't even realize you needed. Simply because someone has found a way to express what you also feel.

I remember first experiencing this in 2002, when I heard Lauryn Hill's song "I Gotta Find Peace of Mind". When Sis sang,

"To finally be in love and know the real meaning of, a lasting relationship, not based on ownership, I trust every part of you 'cause all that you say, you do. You inspire me to be the higher me, you make my desire pure."

I had never heard anything so beautiful in my life. I felt every part of these words and the fact that she was able to put them in a song, still mystifies me.

So today when I read the words "visceral cellular loss" I lost it! A new way to express the anguish of the loss of my Mama. At this point it feels as if it's an all consuming event that has absolutely transformed, reshaped, overtaken, dominated and become the center of my life. Afterall, writing a book, simultaneously creating a blog, while living in the home of the person you are mourning, one can see how this could happen.

I know this is NOT how she would want me to be but I also know she knows who I am and what I could handle so I must be patient with myself.
Tomorrow I will have been on Earth thirty-seven years and for almost six I have been flying semi-solo, that's no time at all in the grand scheme. But that feeling, that visceral cellular loss of the first relationship I ever had, whenever I find words that accurately describe the state of everlasting melancholy that both dumbfounds and liberates, I have no choice but to try harder and keep going.

Anything for you, Mama.

We give thanks on your 64th!