In a Sentimental Mood
Started therapy last week, have a session tonight where I will discuss Ma. I gave my therapist a link to this blog so she could get a sense of who I am and what I'm dealing with. I write more effectively than I speak, so I'm working on that but until then she has access to these thoughts. She said she thought I write "beautifully". That compliment had me on cloud nine for a few days...lol
Anyway, the idea of talking about Ma to someone new is kinda terrifying. I NEVER know when just saying her name will trigger tears or if they will even appear at all. I wish I knew which part of that was grief and which part is drama? I am fully consumed by both.
I spent that last few days searching for this song that was on my wedding playlist mix CD. I finally found it online yesterday and bought the song again, been listening to it on a loop for hours. It's such a beautiful song, slow and sweet, kinda melancholy about wanting her partner to "hold my hand". That line chokes me up every time. Makes me think of holding hands with Ma walking down our street to her car, and how whenever I reached out for her hand she ALWAYS let me hold it. I can't think of her ever denying me her hand. It stands out because she wasn't an affectionate woman but with me she was softer, she gave the hugs because she knew that I was affectionate. Also there was no one else I could get them from. She had to be all things, so she just was.
The ways we change for our kids, bending and conforming because we know it's what they need.
And what I have noticed is that B ALWAYS holds my hand. Whenever I reach for his hand he will hold it and it makes me feel loved. This is a guy who avoids shaking hands with strangers, doesn't like being touched generally but at home you wouldn't know it. The kisses and hugs overflow for everyone in the house from him.
As for myself, I'm a little cold towards my kids. I hug when I want but usually when they ask for them and I don't want to I deflect to their Dad. It's so hard to admit that.
I used to be very affectionate but ever since Ma passed I am guarded, which I feel like comes off as mean. And my kids are so loving, whenever I offer hugs they run to receive them. I wish they knew me before Ma passed, I was better than this. Even when it comes to holding hands, my daughter always wants to hold my hand and I find a way out of it. I let go abruptly and walk away from her. She is eight. I will miss her hugs and kisses in her teen years or better yet when she stops offering them all together because she's got tired of feeling rejected. I don't want that. I check in every now and then with her and ask if she gets enough 'mommy hugs' and she says yes but who knows if that's the honest answer?
When will the ice melt and I go back to being warm again? All in time I guess.
Anyway, the idea of talking about Ma to someone new is kinda terrifying. I NEVER know when just saying her name will trigger tears or if they will even appear at all. I wish I knew which part of that was grief and which part is drama? I am fully consumed by both.
I spent that last few days searching for this song that was on my wedding playlist mix CD. I finally found it online yesterday and bought the song again, been listening to it on a loop for hours. It's such a beautiful song, slow and sweet, kinda melancholy about wanting her partner to "hold my hand". That line chokes me up every time. Makes me think of holding hands with Ma walking down our street to her car, and how whenever I reached out for her hand she ALWAYS let me hold it. I can't think of her ever denying me her hand. It stands out because she wasn't an affectionate woman but with me she was softer, she gave the hugs because she knew that I was affectionate. Also there was no one else I could get them from. She had to be all things, so she just was.
The ways we change for our kids, bending and conforming because we know it's what they need.
And what I have noticed is that B ALWAYS holds my hand. Whenever I reach for his hand he will hold it and it makes me feel loved. This is a guy who avoids shaking hands with strangers, doesn't like being touched generally but at home you wouldn't know it. The kisses and hugs overflow for everyone in the house from him.
As for myself, I'm a little cold towards my kids. I hug when I want but usually when they ask for them and I don't want to I deflect to their Dad. It's so hard to admit that.
I used to be very affectionate but ever since Ma passed I am guarded, which I feel like comes off as mean. And my kids are so loving, whenever I offer hugs they run to receive them. I wish they knew me before Ma passed, I was better than this. Even when it comes to holding hands, my daughter always wants to hold my hand and I find a way out of it. I let go abruptly and walk away from her. She is eight. I will miss her hugs and kisses in her teen years or better yet when she stops offering them all together because she's got tired of feeling rejected. I don't want that. I check in every now and then with her and ask if she gets enough 'mommy hugs' and she says yes but who knows if that's the honest answer?
When will the ice melt and I go back to being warm again? All in time I guess.
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