The Dream
I'm not sleeping well tonight. I am worried about my son.
In the dream that woke me up, I'm in the back seat of the car, my uncle Darryl is driving and my aunt LaJuanda is sitting beside him. I was telling them about the stories Ma would regale me with starring my uncle Darryl as the smart little kid she adored. As I was finishing up, we parked next to a preschool. The children were lined up on the stairs. I notice my son is one of the kids. I observe that he is well-behaved and following directions, just like the other kids. His teachers call him down out of line and he comes down smiling, though he hasn't spotted me yet. He stops at the first teacher and shares his snack with her. Then he goes to the next teacher, and does the same. That teacher brings him to me, he offers me a square of his Chex mix, I accept and it was like suddenly, I was watching a play. The two teachers Izzy had greeted, were sitting at a picnic table directly in front of us. They were saying to each other, how they had noticed some traits about Izzy that caused them concern. Izzy flaps his hands when he's upset, he also screams and hits instead of speaking to communicate how he feels. Then they looked at me, I had been in agreeance the whole time, I have noticed all those traits but this look they were giving me was one of derision. That's when I woke up.
Is it that I waited too long to seek help for my son? Is it that I feel like it's my fault he is different? Or am I ashamed I have a child who may be autistic? I could be guilty of feeling all three.
This dream didn't just come out of nowhere. Earlier this week the kids and I walked into the offices of Early Stages, to set up an appointment to test Izzy for developmental delays. It was a great experience, the kids had fun and I got peace of mind, or so I thought. My son is three and he's had these symptoms since he was eighteen months. All the while I was saying to myself, this is just how little boys act or he will grow out of it, it's just a phase. But, I feel all the looks and stares I receive in public every time Izzy grunts for things that he wants or cries because I haven't guessed correctly what each grunt means. Those looks, if I focused on them at the time, instead of on my kids could kill some days. And on those days I use the gems that I get from movies to keep myself going. Like one of my favorites is the simple yet powerful line from Dory in Finding Nemo, "Just keep swimming." That line and that line alone is how I made it through the first year after Ma's passing. But the quote that best sums up parenthood for me is from the wise couple in the movie Away We Go. "You have to be so much better than you ever thought." Now just stating it here, those words don't seem like much but in the context of parenthood, it demands an inner strength that I'm still discovering about myself.
So instead of dying from the looks, I remember that I have to be better. Overcoming these challenges will require it but the one thing in my dream that keeps me hopeful is Izzy. He can be that well-behaved, he can follow directions and he does love to share anything he has with everyone he meets. There are so many gems featured in the dream that I recognize will help me if I just ask for it. Dreams continue to be how she speaks to me, still making it better from beyond.
In the dream that woke me up, I'm in the back seat of the car, my uncle Darryl is driving and my aunt LaJuanda is sitting beside him. I was telling them about the stories Ma would regale me with starring my uncle Darryl as the smart little kid she adored. As I was finishing up, we parked next to a preschool. The children were lined up on the stairs. I notice my son is one of the kids. I observe that he is well-behaved and following directions, just like the other kids. His teachers call him down out of line and he comes down smiling, though he hasn't spotted me yet. He stops at the first teacher and shares his snack with her. Then he goes to the next teacher, and does the same. That teacher brings him to me, he offers me a square of his Chex mix, I accept and it was like suddenly, I was watching a play. The two teachers Izzy had greeted, were sitting at a picnic table directly in front of us. They were saying to each other, how they had noticed some traits about Izzy that caused them concern. Izzy flaps his hands when he's upset, he also screams and hits instead of speaking to communicate how he feels. Then they looked at me, I had been in agreeance the whole time, I have noticed all those traits but this look they were giving me was one of derision. That's when I woke up.
Is it that I waited too long to seek help for my son? Is it that I feel like it's my fault he is different? Or am I ashamed I have a child who may be autistic? I could be guilty of feeling all three.
This dream didn't just come out of nowhere. Earlier this week the kids and I walked into the offices of Early Stages, to set up an appointment to test Izzy for developmental delays. It was a great experience, the kids had fun and I got peace of mind, or so I thought. My son is three and he's had these symptoms since he was eighteen months. All the while I was saying to myself, this is just how little boys act or he will grow out of it, it's just a phase. But, I feel all the looks and stares I receive in public every time Izzy grunts for things that he wants or cries because I haven't guessed correctly what each grunt means. Those looks, if I focused on them at the time, instead of on my kids could kill some days. And on those days I use the gems that I get from movies to keep myself going. Like one of my favorites is the simple yet powerful line from Dory in Finding Nemo, "Just keep swimming." That line and that line alone is how I made it through the first year after Ma's passing. But the quote that best sums up parenthood for me is from the wise couple in the movie Away We Go. "You have to be so much better than you ever thought." Now just stating it here, those words don't seem like much but in the context of parenthood, it demands an inner strength that I'm still discovering about myself.
So instead of dying from the looks, I remember that I have to be better. Overcoming these challenges will require it but the one thing in my dream that keeps me hopeful is Izzy. He can be that well-behaved, he can follow directions and he does love to share anything he has with everyone he meets. There are so many gems featured in the dream that I recognize will help me if I just ask for it. Dreams continue to be how she speaks to me, still making it better from beyond.
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