All I Have To Do Is Dream
7/24/19
Sometimes I feel like I'm being selfish, how badly I want her back. I feel like our relationship was one-sided, and I was the benefactor in it. Then there are days when I don't think of her at all. I am completely distracted with life, those days are rare but they occur more often now. Until I get a piece of mail with her name on it or a note from Thrivent, a life insurance company she invested into for herself and I. She loved me so much that she was even preparing for my afterlife. It makes me feel like she's still taking care of me. Especially when I cook dinner, I channel her then for sure. I make all her same faces when I'm mixing and stirring, when I can tell something is going to turn out yummy.
I miss our talks every day. She was my person. We just knew each other so well and it was only getting better! I started taking her for granted I think. I was only just starting to grow up. I still needed her though, just less and less. Still stings. I had so much more to learn from her.
8/4/19
I miss her every other minute of the day but when I'm sleep she's just there and we're doing regular shit. There's no "Mama I miss you so much...yada yada yada" It's just understood that when I need to see her most she will just appear in my dreams and we won't discuss it, we will just complete the mission of the dream and continue on as if this is reality.
Dream, dream, dream, dream...
I love you so and that is why, I need you so that I could die,
Whenever I want you all I have to do is dream, dream, dream, dream
8/9/19
I have been avoiding the date subconsciously since August 1st. I hate the idea of commemorating the day someone dies, I find it mainly just annoying but that's probably because it was traumatic and I want to avoid all thoughts of it if possible. Baring witness to someone when they are alive, struggling to survive and then again once they have died all in the span of two or three hours, is something I can tell I will have to confront in a therapists' office someday but until that day all I have are these thoughts and this space to air them out. Toni Morrison died this week. I didn't realize how much it would affect me until I realized this week was the week Ma died. And I read Bernie Mac died today eleven years ago, Ma really loved him. I watched In Her Shoes earlier this week and cried hard, thinking about Ma. When she watched the film for the first time, she sent me the poem at the end, "I Carry Your Heart With Me (I Carry it in My Heart)" by E. E. Cummings. She sent me things like this often, mushy things she'd try not to speak but wanted to convey. It was important to her that I know she loves me.
I really hope she rests well knowing that I know and do too.
Sometimes I feel like I'm being selfish, how badly I want her back. I feel like our relationship was one-sided, and I was the benefactor in it. Then there are days when I don't think of her at all. I am completely distracted with life, those days are rare but they occur more often now. Until I get a piece of mail with her name on it or a note from Thrivent, a life insurance company she invested into for herself and I. She loved me so much that she was even preparing for my afterlife. It makes me feel like she's still taking care of me. Especially when I cook dinner, I channel her then for sure. I make all her same faces when I'm mixing and stirring, when I can tell something is going to turn out yummy.
I miss our talks every day. She was my person. We just knew each other so well and it was only getting better! I started taking her for granted I think. I was only just starting to grow up. I still needed her though, just less and less. Still stings. I had so much more to learn from her.
8/4/19
I miss her every other minute of the day but when I'm sleep she's just there and we're doing regular shit. There's no "Mama I miss you so much...yada yada yada" It's just understood that when I need to see her most she will just appear in my dreams and we won't discuss it, we will just complete the mission of the dream and continue on as if this is reality.
Dream, dream, dream, dream...
I love you so and that is why, I need you so that I could die,
Whenever I want you all I have to do is dream, dream, dream, dream
8/9/19
I have been avoiding the date subconsciously since August 1st. I hate the idea of commemorating the day someone dies, I find it mainly just annoying but that's probably because it was traumatic and I want to avoid all thoughts of it if possible. Baring witness to someone when they are alive, struggling to survive and then again once they have died all in the span of two or three hours, is something I can tell I will have to confront in a therapists' office someday but until that day all I have are these thoughts and this space to air them out. Toni Morrison died this week. I didn't realize how much it would affect me until I realized this week was the week Ma died. And I read Bernie Mac died today eleven years ago, Ma really loved him. I watched In Her Shoes earlier this week and cried hard, thinking about Ma. When she watched the film for the first time, she sent me the poem at the end, "I Carry Your Heart With Me (I Carry it in My Heart)" by E. E. Cummings. She sent me things like this often, mushy things she'd try not to speak but wanted to convey. It was important to her that I know she loves me.
I really hope she rests well knowing that I know and do too.
[i carry your heart with me(i carry it in]
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
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