CLARAFIED BUTTER

 "My Mama writes." ~ my daughter I was blown away, that my child knew that about me! First of all, I hardly ever get to write while they are awake. Secondly,  she notices the world outside of herself? LOL, I kid but really? Motherhood is a seemingly selfless act, you give and you give and expect nothing in return, definitely not being noticed by your children but what she said taught me, that she IS paying attention. Maybe not to my words  all the time but definitely to my actions. When she wakes up in the morning, it's not unusual for her to find me on the computer, writing something. I take a journal and pen with me everywhere I go and as back-up I have been known to use the notepad app on my phone. She sees me doing these things and knows that I write. She may not know what but she knows I am writing something. Her awareness has made me more aware. The habits I want her to adopt first have to be modeled by me. Like I want her to drink more water, so now I almost ...

I was eight years old waiting outside our hotel with our luggage in Orlando. Mama had surprised me with a trip to Disney World for the first time. She had dropped me off in front so we didn't have to carry our luggage from the parking lot in the back. Somehow while driving to the back of the hotel, she took a wrong turn and ended up on the interstate!  She told me this story often, so I remember this was the part where her eyes would get big, as she dramatically reenacted the horror she felt, having made the wrong turn while I was waiting for her.  She had trouble navigating in a new city but only for about thirty minutes. When she found her way back to me she hugged me for what felt like twenty minutes and told me she would never leave me alone again! I had no idea she had gotten lost. I was too excited about the trip. I had stayed put, I knew she would get back to me...eventually! So when the policy was initiated and enforced by the federal government, where people seeking...

On a recent trip, driving down south on I-95, I couldn't help but be entranced by the beauty of the natural landscape that surrounded me. The magnificent magnolia, oak, willow, pine, dogwood, fir, aspen and maple trees that line up and down the interstate were a true sight to behold. While being astounded by God's great works, I pondered how many of these trees had bared witness and been made accomplice to the thousands of lynchings that have occurred in this country.  Lynching is the torture and killing of someone (usually Black) by hanging, committed by a mob. The most common way to lynch someone is with the use of a tree's strongest branch. I wonder from the trees' perspective what it must've been like. The atrocities they must've witnessed, even if they weren't used as the tool to commit such acts, having stood near the tree that held the body must've been an experience. To provide shade for the church-goer who paid the ticket admission to wa...

My Mama is everything to me. Since she passed it's taken me a while to feel like myself again. This blog has helped tremendously. I have been writing here for almost two years and recently reviewed everything I've written. What I found was that my intention for this space is completely different from what it has become. Initially, I thought I wanted to create a community for Moms who felt marginalized, who maybe were a little disappointed with their experiences mothering but had no place to vent those frustrations. My husband kindly pointed out to me that would be more of a 'discussion group' than a blog. What instead was created is a space I use to vent my frustrations and failures, my disappointments and revelations on motherhood and life in general. In this space I share things that I would've only had the nerve to say to my Mama. She was the listening ear I needed to take big steps forward, the warm embrace when life got tough. And like this space, I always...

A daughter speaks to her Mama. "Instead of sending flowers, WE the roses." ~Roses Reminds me of the day you died. I never felt alone. You and Grandma and the ancestors were holding me up. Having to be the messenger of your death to your brothers and sisters was tough. In a way I still feel like my presence announces your physical absence. And I'll be that for you proudly. The reminder that you were here! It's taken me these almost 5 years to get 'okay' with not seeing you all the time. I think you already know how hard it has been so I won't bore you with that. It's particularly harder on this day because seeing everyone with their Mamas, being able to hug and kiss them up, spoil them properly, give them mushy cards that they keep forever! Seriously Ma, you kept EVERY card I gave you?! It's sweet to find them around every now and then. I was just much happier when you were around. I wish you could just visit. ...

Picture it, two chubby, chocolate women holding hands as they walk out of an office building in downtown northeast DC. They favor each other and appear to be in their own world, laughing and blissfully smiling at one another. The older one spots a flower guy across the street from her building selling sterling roses, half a dozen for three bucks. She always finds three bucks to buy lavender-hued roses for her girl. The two women seem to own the street. Everything about their day is discussed on their walk. Even the worst of days is made virtuous, on these walks because on these walks where the two women hold hands, laugh blissfully and listen to each other's day... They had each other. They nod at the community around them on the journey to their car. From the kind man, just getting off from work, the flower vendor guy to the sweet lady who owns the snack stand they pass everyday. They all bared witness to something special. Sometimes I wish I could find them and ask them if they...

Not only was this the title of Mama's favorite song, it is the one thing that has remained constant in this life. Sometimes, I feel as if certain aspects of Mama's life contain a gem of knowledge that can help me when I need it. Like, I use her favorite phrases, "You got what I got" and "You got this" as self-motivating mantras. Even the short-lived appearance of her favorite flower, that she planted in her garden, serves as a marker for her presence still being felt. So it's only fitting that her favorite song has become my anthem, whenever things happen that I just can't justify. The Earth is changing, the literal phrase coined for it is climate change. The city I live in is changing, it's almost unrecognizable. And just as the places around us change, so do the people. I just started watching a new show on Netflix, The Let Down and though situations could've been deemed comical I didn't laugh once.  I found it to be an accur...