CLARAFIED BUTTER

I believe worry is an inherited affliction and that I may have gotten my propensity to worry from my Grandma. As her worry was epigentically passed down to me. I have indeed passed this worry to my offspring. When I was a kid, my biggest fear was something bad happening to my Mama. I always felt like if she died I would die too, just drop dead with her last breath because I just didn't believe I could survive the hurt. In a way I didn't survive it. The death I experienced was metaphorical. It was a death of a certain kind of familiar that only she could provide, i.e my life with her at the center of it. Ma was not a worrisome woman, in fact she was the opposite. She often stepped out on faith and did things that even made her family think she was strange. As a parent I notice the traits of worry in my daughter. She's very inquisitive, so she's always investigating and asking questions about things that interest her. However once she learns the new information sh...

My first year of motherhood was an opportunity to relive my youth but with my own child. So we went everywhere, did everything and lived our absolute best lives! I would take photographs of everything and share them with my friends and family. Once, while recounting a trip to the farm at a family gathering, a comment was made about our safety while at the farm, something about the proximity of the chickens and other animals to my child while there. I think they asked what would I do if a goat or a chicken were to attack her. Before I could even think of a response, I heard my Mama say, "You shouldn't be worried about India, you should be worried about the chicken! She knows how to take care of our baby." When she said it I was taken aback. Honestly, I hadn't even thought about the scenario of a rogue chicken becoming territorial and hurting her. It could've easily happened and been something I worried about that could've deterred me from visiting again but...

It's been a challenging couple weeks. First, my baby girl got strep throat and had to be out of school for a week. Then directly after that me and my whole family got a mysterious respiratory infection-like illness that mainly had us coughing up copious amounts of phlegm. It was awful because initially it was painful to cough or talk or breathe even! Then it took away our appetite and our ability to taste food! We still don't have our appetites' quite back yet but not being able to delight in the foods that bring us comfort? Despicable! So we were out for a good two weeks, whatever it was I never wanna see her again! Now we are dealing with allergy season and her relentless assault on my son's eyes and face! Not even Benadryl seems to be enough, his poor eyes are so red and runny. He has the stuffy nose and sneezing, needless to say my Boo has the blues and I feel so frustrated with myself! I knew from last year how serious his allergies were and I had bought everythi...

"SHUT UP!" The words haunt me now. Much like the phrase that can still be found on t-shirts, "I can't breathe!" While she was on the gurney in the ambulance pleading for some help to breathe, I was pleading too, begging for someone to help her. The paramedic never did anything. He claimed the truck wasn't equipped. So once she gathered all the oxygen she could summon, her last words to me were, "I LOVE YOU!" As loud and as strong as I had ever heard the words from her mouth. It felt like a huge boulder being thrown at me, like she really needed me to know it. It took every ounce of strength out of her and I responded, "Shut up." It was practically whispered in comparison, but I promptly apologized and told her, "I love you too".  I just didn't want her to spare, precious breaths on a sentiment that I had felt my whole life. There isn't much that I know more than my Mama loves me. It's been the basis...

You know how when you read or hear something and you FEEL IT. You find a kind of contentment that you didn't even realize you needed. Simply because someone has found a way to express what you also feel. I remember first experiencing this in 2002, when I heard Lauryn Hill's song "I Gotta Find Peace of Mind". When Sis sang, "To finally be in love and know the real meaning of, a lasting relationship, not based on ownership, I trust every part of you 'cause all that you say, you do. You inspire me to be the higher me, you make my desire pure." I had never heard anything so beautiful in my life. I felt every part of these words and the fact that she was able to put them in a song, still mystifies me. So today when I read the words "visceral cellular loss" I lost it! A new way to express the anguish of the loss of my Mama. At this point it feels as if it's an all consuming event that has absolutely transformed, reshaped, overtaken, domi...

I feel so happy, my birthday is coming up soon. I don't know why this year feels different, I want to celebrate seeing another year. A year of being with my kids, being in love and genuinely confident about us. I have more physical ails but I'm here and thankful for every second, every minute, every hour, every day I am here taking up space, doing what I love, in the city I love, blessed with this family and these friends who truly inspire me. I feel very rich! I know what I love and who I love and they know it too. I want to accomplish things like my book but also make lasting contributions to the world. I would love to work for an organization specifically motivated with elephant conservation. I also enjoy being a tutor and helping kids read better. It's fulfilling work, I teach but I also learn so much. So Friday is Ma's 64th birthday and Saturday is my 37th. I told my Bestest a long time ago that I wanted to dance to Ma's favorite song at her favorite spot in ...

Why is it so difficult for us to stick together? How come we judge us the harshest? I've wondered these questions since I first heard of Black slave owners and warring tribes in Africa selling each other out to be shipped and sold and made into slaves. It's our biggest sin. It's what has been our demise and what will continue to be our greatest shame if we let it. This Jussie Smollet case has really shone a light on what ails us. Folk came out and chastised this man from the beginning, not believing him when he said he was attacked? Taking the word of the Chicago police department because they put a Black man on the podium and verbally charge him as a criminal? The same department that covered up the case of Laquan McDonald just a few years ago. Now we suddenly TRUST the police? Hmmm. He wanted more money from his show? Really? His family had a show in the 90s, he's been in numerous films, had released a book with his family and an album and had just got off tou...